There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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