Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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