I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
