Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
