I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
