I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
