Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
