It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Did you just see the Batmobile???
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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