life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
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