If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
