My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
