um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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