The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
