Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Randomize
