if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
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