I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
