My first STD was from a foam party
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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