Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
