yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Randomize