So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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