Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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