Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
