Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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