I CAN MOONWALK!
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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