Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
