wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I don't deserve a penis
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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