Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize