I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
