drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
