it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
