She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
