She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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