some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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