Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
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