Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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