if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
