We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Randomize
