I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
