Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Randomize
