She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
