we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
