Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
My bed smells like the plague
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
