the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
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