if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
