It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
