Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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