we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
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