I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Randomize