Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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