final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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