if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
