you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
