Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Im part way to drunk.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
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