My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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