I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
that's an acceptable place to lick
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
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