Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
He shit in the fireplace
Randomize
