My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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